Back-to-school season can stir up a range of emotions – from excitement to anxiety – for the whole family. It also presents a valuable opportunity to recognize the signs of perfectionism early and establish new habits that can set your children up for success for the rest of the school year.
Reflecting on my school days, I vividly remember the start of my (not-so-helpful) perfectionism habits. Homework time felt like a battle as I erased and rewrote my answers multiple times, not because I didn’t know the correct answers, but because I fixated on making sure the numbers and letters looked flawless. It often left me feeling exhausted, covered in pink dust from my worn-out eraser, and wishing I had spent more time unwinding with my family. Unfortunately, this became a habit reinforced by my well-meaning mom, who checked my homework for accuracy and neatness. From a young age, I started to believe that to be good enough, my work had to be both accurate and perfect. Although I got good grades and positive feedback from my teachers, this perfectionistic mindset not only drained my energy but also made it difficult to appreciate my efforts and enjoy the learning process. I know many kids face the same struggle, so this back-to-school season, we offer guidance on how to recognize and change your perfectionism habits.
What is perfectionism?
Perfectionism is a personality trait that leads to setting unrealistic high standards for ourselves and others. We all have a bit of perfectionism, and in the right dose, it can help us succeed. But in excess, it can lead to harmful outcomes such as feelings of shame, fear of failure, indecision, procrastination, self-criticism, and an overall feeling that whatever we do is not good enough.
When perfectionism shows up along with anxiety or OCD, it can create even more significant challenges that get in the way of our goals and values. That’s what we call problematic perfectionism, because these behaviors can create a perfectionism cycle that keeps us stuck and moving away from our values.
What is the perfectionism cycle?
Problematic perfectionism keeps us stuck by hooking us into the following cycle: we make a mistake, which makes us feel anxious, upset, or ashamed. Then, we feel the urge to redo it several times until it’s perfect, which makes us feel better right away. But over time, the need to be perfect grows, and our brain learns that mistakes are not to be tolerated, which can result in attaching our self-worth to how perfectly we can perform. But there’s a catch: we are all human, and humans are supposed to make mistakes. No matter how hard we try to be perfect, we inevitably make mistakes.
At InStride Health, we help kids, teens, and young adults learn tools to break their perfectionism cycle and create opportunities for new learning. Through individual therapy, group therapy, and coaching, we can help them notice when perfectionistic urges show up, name their problematic perfectionism behaviors, and challenge themselves to change their behavior by resisting these urges and tolerating mistakes. Over time, this process teaches them that success doesn’t require perfectionistic habits. As perfectionism shrinks, they can access greater joy, self-compassion, and flexibility in their responses.
Tips for breaking the perfectionism cycle
Now that we have covered perfectionism and its impact, here are some tips for parents, kids, teens, and young adults to help them break the cycle of perfectionism.
Tips for parents
- Praise Effort, Not Outcomes: Focus on praising your child’s effort rather than the result. For instance, celebrate their hard work on homework, regardless of the grade.
- Model Self-Compassion: Demonstrate how you tolerate imperfection with your own actions by sharing with your kids when you’ve made mistakes and how you practice self-compassion instead of self-criticism.
- Encourage Conversations About Mistakes: Create a safe space for discussing mistakes and celebrating the lessons learned. Invite each family member to share one mistake they made each day, fostering a supportive environment while resisting the urge to critique.
- Host Imperfection Parties: Plan fun “imperfection parties” with your kids, where you intentionally do activities imperfectly. For example, color outside the lines in a coloring book or write a card with messy handwriting.
- Reflect on Your Own Behaviors: Take a moment to consider whether you have any problematic perfectionism tendencies that might be impacting your children. Avoid reinforcing the perfectionism cycle by treating yourself with kindness when you make mistakes and extending that same compassion to your kids.
Tips for kids, teens, and young adults
- Recognize Problematic Perfectionism: When you make a mistake, pay attention to the loud or bossy urges that get in the way of what truly matters to you. Recognizing these perfectionism behaviors is the first step!
- Try Something New: Experiment by ignoring those urges to be perfect and see what happens. It might feel weird at first, but you could end up with more free time and enjoying yourself more.
- Check the Facts: Notice what your brain says about mistakes and perfectionism. You may have thoughts like “If I don’t do this perfectly, nobody will like me” or “If I don’t get an A on this assignment, I’ll be a failure.” Remember, thoughts are not facts. Share these thoughts with your parents or a trusted friend so they can help you explore whether they’re really true. Over time, you can flip these into more balanced thoughts, like “Everyone messes up sometimes, and I don’t need to be perfect to do well.”
- Start with Small Steps: Sometimes the desire to be perfect keeps us from even getting started! If you notice yourself procrastinating, try getting started by setting a timer for 5 or 10 minutes and only working for that amount of time. Then take a break and check in with yourself. See if you can do another 10 minutes. And remember, the goal is to be done, not perfect!
- Be Kind to Yourself: Change the way you talk to yourself about mistakes. Instead of being your own worst critic, think about what a helpful friend would say in that situation. Give yourself the same kindness and compassion!
As the school year gets into full swing, be on the lookout for moments when perfectionism may arise, like during homework or preparing for tests. Recognize the urge to be perfect and invite yourself and your kids to respond more flexibly by trying new approaches that disrupt the perfectionism cycle. Embrace mistakes and practice self-compassion along the way. Remember, perfectionism steals time, joy, and self-confidence. By breaking the perfectionism cycle, we give ourselves and our children a valuable gift.
